Just once, hed wanted things to be different. And
they were. He smiled as he took off the jacket
and hung it ready to place it carefully in the zip
bag the hire company had provided. Then it was
the trousers. The shirt was his own, it had been
largely concealed by the suit. People rarely looked
beyond the surface. From his rucksack he brought
out and unrolled his well-worn plain black trousers
and slipped into them. Transformation complete, he
left the cubicle and stood in front of the mirror.
Was he really so different?
He knew the answer. The change was entire and
seismic in scale.
Leaving the toilets, he walked up the corridor and
in through the staff entrance, stowing his bag and
hire suit in his locker. Here, he composed himself.
Staring at the blank grey of the l locker door
as though he were attempting to discern its
secrets. Then it dawned on him. The door was just
the same. The difference was in him. Hed crossed
the line and entered their world. Something had
changed. Hed made it change, and in changing, he
wasnt so sure that he belonged anymore. And in
this knowledge, he could not work out whether
this was a new state or his discovery of a long
standing truth.
On any previous day, he would have left the staff
room and fallen easily into the rhythm of this
place. The hustle, bustle and routine had been a
comfort to him, but now he panicked as he could
no longer place the song, let alone dance to it.
He would have to face the music though. He had
work to do and there was unfinished business that
he had to attend to. He sighed, resisting the urge
to hit the locker door. He was not a violent man.
That made the act all the more compelling. There
was need here. He laughed at the lying neediness
of his procrastination and walked back into his life.
Youre late
The words were shouted across at him. He looked
across at the shouter and nodded his acceptance.
Taking a clean white cloth from the rack and
entering the main room. The centre of the
universe. He knew the table that required clearing.
Half hoped the final, single occupant would be long
gone. The meal, an impossible dream. One hed
had a thousand times over the years, but not
dared do a thing about.
This place was a torture chamber. The sights. The
sounds. The aromas. From the food. From the
diners. His senses were wilfully assaulted, and the
promise they made was a falsehood inflicted upon
him. This close, but no further. The lines were
drawn. He was here, but there was no seat at the
table for him. You had to earn that seat, and even
then, you had to book six months in advance and
hope you got chosen.
And of course, she was still there. Sitting patiently
and doing her very best not to look like she was
waiting. Desperately trying not to give any
impression that she was watching the door to the
bathroom. Certainly not giving away the growing
anxiety that shed been jilted. Left alone.
Swallowing down the worst of fears;
abandonment.
The bill had been paid. Hed taken care of it. No
staff discount here. Hed paid in full and done his
best not to dwell upon the size of the number at
the bottom of the small rectangle of paper. Hed
bought something few people ever experienced.
More so, thanks to the uniqueness of his situation.
Hed ventured where few of his kind could go. And
hed savoured every morsel of food. Every last
of wine. Hed enjoyed that meal as though it
was his last. A death row treat before he had to
walk to the gallows. No hood to hide his terror and
shame here though. He was heading back to the
scene of the crime to tidy away the incriminating
evidence. The body was still there and it bore all of
his guilt. Every last atom of it.
Hed cheated. Not on her. Never on her. And there
were no lies as such. Hed known what to say and
how to say it. Hed cheated the system instead. His
very presence was the lie. He had moved
confidently in the Kings Court and brushed
shoulders with the great and the good. Hed been
a walking assumption. Cleverly winging every
moment as he breathed in the rarefied air of his
betters.
As hed built to this moment. The crowning glory of
his plan. He saw the world in a very different way.
His questioning of his presence in places where he
was supposedly not allowed to be extended to
those around him until he asked himself who truly
belonged?
After all, there were cancellations in this cherished
shrine to eating. Those who fell from the esteemed
ranks and who could no longer take up their place.
They were not missed. There were hundreds more,
keen to take that spot and occupy it as though it
had always been theirs.
Few were comfortable. Not here. Nor in their skin.
He understood that now. This was a room full of
impostors. A conspicuous theatre of consumption.
The actors too keyed up to actually enjoy the food.
Now, as he walked amongst them he was
appalled at their gluttony and avarice.
And there, in the midst of this deceitful throng, she
sat nervously awaiting her fate. Oblivious to the
reality surrounding her, and of the reality that was
approaching her. That she sat in a bubble that he
was about to burst. He resented her for remaining
here. For being in his corner even as he came to
throw the towel of his capitulation right in her
face.
She was better than all of this. Too good for it. Too
good for the world. He realised the depth of his
love for her as he neared the table. Understood
how much he loved her as everything unravelled
around the both of them. He adored this woman
and he was about to betray her. Not only in
breaking her heart, but shattering her deified
image of him.
And yet he did not run. He kept up his steady
march to the ending of their destinies. There was
nowhere else he could go. He had no place to
hide. Besides, hed always been dangerously
curious and equally bloody minded. This was a part
of it. He needed to be here and he needed to see
how it played out. This was for him, and it was for
her.
But he wasnt here for the ending. He wanted to
see the shape of the beginning. Through the
smoke, dust and carnage. He wanted to see who
she truly was when he broke through the faade.
Wanted to see who he could be.
There was truth here.
This was real.
He was real and he harboured an impossible hope
that she could be real too. That they could find a
way to be real together. They had shared an
impossible dream that was only ever going to die.
Here was where it would collapse and dissolve.
Then they would see the real dream.
What was meant lay just beyond this moment.
His loudly beating heart fell into an eerie silence as
he reached the table and stood in a pool of noisy
silence awaiting her gaze to fall upon him.
Wanting her to see him for who he really was.
Needing that with every fibre of his being.
Wanting her to love him.
Just once.
Was that too much to ask?